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February 8th, 2008
06:18 pm
I often wonder what people would make of me if they saw my room. If they saw all the little things that make me who I am. I often wonder what people on the street think of me.
I'm feeling very unstable. Emotionally, mentally, nutritionally. "What hurts? Is it your head?" Sure. That works. I am often quiet but inside my brain just screams at me. You're FAT AND UGLY. YOU'RE WORTHLESS. I can't just sit and be still and quiet. I don't know what has precipitated this recently. What could it be?
Yesterday I binged and purged. Mostly liquids. Looking back I don't know what I was thinking. It wasn't the first time I've purged, but I was doing OK for quite a while.
I got the stomach flu, and while it was horrendous, it reminded me how clean an empty stomach felt. I had detoxed, no caffeine, no sugar, not much food. Glorious. I was happy. It ACTUALLY made me happy. Then one by one the vices came back. A coffee here, one teaspoon of peanut butter there. And chocolate too. Everything got messed up.
My problem is that I take on whatever issues everyone else has. I take ownership not only other people's problems, but what they think of me. I think I've reached that point where I've given so much of myself to everyone else that I can't give anymore. Something needs to break. And that thing is me.
After my purging episode, I got on the subway and wondered... if people knew, what would they think? What would they do? Were there others on the subway like me? Were there other girls whose heads would scream at them violently?
So much of this is feeling alone in my thoughts, in my actions. I am so tempted to stay home tonight. I wish I could ignore the world and hide away in a quiet, dark place. I don't want to face the judging. I don't want to face myself either.
I wish I had another therapy session right now. Today. Sigh.
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November 30th, 2007
06:10 pm
I am so fucked up. I hate chaos, but there's this messed up part of me that likes chaos. The panic is this known arena... The comfort in what I know.
I have become so fat. I am 10 pounds away from my highest weight. I had therapy an hour after I found this out and was crying my eyes out. It's probably this stupid BCP. I wish I had as much self control as when I was 20.
FUCK. I just want to be bones. I don't want to exist... when people tell me I should be model I am just so angry because I know I'd have to lose a minimum of 30 pounds to even be close to that body type. I hate being fat... I just want to be skin and bones.
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November 15th, 2007
09:06 pm
Had I known that the pain would never go away, what would I have done?
I'm so unhappy. I've only had two drinks in the past month, but tonight while coming home I was so tempted to pick up a bottle of wine. I really had to force myself not to. Nothing is taking this sadness away. I go to therapy, I try to eat adequately, I exercise... I'm even on anti-depressants and I'm still miserable.
Sometimes I think I am completely legitimate with these feelings. Other times I feel selfish and ungrateful. I just don't feel like my life is my own. It feels like I'm living for everyone else. I've had suicidal thoughts. I remember reading about this 20 something year old, who was doing really well in school, had a great girlfriend, essentially had the perfect life... and he committed suicide. I think I was 12 when I read about it, and it didn't make sense to me... but it sort of does now. Not that I would do it, but I'm just feeling so messed up right now... really lost. I wish I could put everything on pause for a little while.
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September 27th, 2007
08:21 pm
My brain is all over the map. I was so disassociative in my session today. I was just not feeling like myself... just really void and useless and numb. I feel fat. So fat. I'm eating so much. The drinking has been significantly minimized but I'm just as badly off it seems.
I have no reason to be complaining. I told this to my therapist, and I can recognize it, but I'm just really unhappy. I don't know where I stand in school, which is really tough for me. Not only do I want grades, but I want amazing grades. I want to be a perfect girlfriend, a perfect friend, a perfect person all around.
Again, it feels like the only way I had access to this was through restriction. It's just frustrating. I saw a few pictures of Isabelle, that girl whose picture is sprawled in an anti-ED campaign and I felt fat, ugly, worthless, contaminated.
I wish I could get away from all of my problems. I just want to hide away in a dark room for a week and be left on my own. I'm not enjoying social interaction at all lately... It makes me really uncomfortable. I'm obsessed with wanting to know what people are thinking of me... and not knowing has really been frustrating. Getting away from it all would really be helpful... just sort of impossible.
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August 27th, 2007
06:24 pm
I've become an alcoholic.
Isn't the first step to admit to it? I just don't know. Why do I always have to cling to self-destructive behavior? I'm so sorry world. You have unreasonable expectations and I just can't live up to them. Right now I'd like to drink myself into oblivion and sleep for 12 hours. Is this alright? Not for me. It would seem that way for those around me.
It's bizarre that I got into drinking because of my need to please. Because of my need to be happy and peaceful, so I can be what everyone else wants me to be for them. I'm desperate to run away. I told my therapist that and I'm not sure how he reacted. Sometimes I think I disassociate in my sessions. I'm so scared.
I told my sister that I've been drinking heavily. I needed to admit it to someone safe, and she is the safest person I have. I'm sorry. I probably burdened her in the worst way. She called me yesterday. "And the drinking?" "It's better after I hit rock bottom the other day"... such a lie. I am filled with lies. I'm so sorry.
Would it be wrong of me to run away? I just want to call in sick from work for two days and do my own thing. Hop on a bus and get away from here. I love the people around me so much that I'll rot to make them happy. I'll suffer and hurt myself to make them proud of me... so I can be happy for them.
Escapism. I wish I was still anorexic. It's less dangerous that way. Alcohol has been brutal, but it's something at least.
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August 14th, 2007
12:10 am
I've gained weight and I can't stand it. I almost bought a digital scale and I'm seriously thinking of getting one again. I'm just not able to handle how much I weigh right now. At this point, I feel like I don't even care how much I screw up my metabolism... I just want to be thin again.
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May 24th, 2007
10:16 pm
I feel so insane right now. I went to the gym the other day and I weighed myself only to realize I lost weight... I SERIOUSLY felt like I had split personality. I started crying - initially because a part of me was scared at going back into the eating disorder, and I didn't want to go there... but the other part of me was crying because my body still looked so fat in the mirror, and I wanted to lose another 10 pounds.
Why does this ED still have my brain as a hostage, I don't understand!!!
I'm so tired, I'm definitely sleep deprived, and I really like this guy but I'm scared... of everything... getting hurt, using a relationship as an excuse to fall back into the ED and so on and so forth.
I know I need more counselling for my eating habits, I just have to call... I really have to call them tomorrow.
Fuck I hate this city.
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May 22nd, 2007
05:32 am
It's 5 am and I can't go back to sleep. Why does this follow me everywhere I go? I want this part of my brain surgically removed.
I went out on a date and my head is spinning. I'm feeling anxious and inadequate. I want to restrict today. I've been doing well (physically) and I just want to go down that path to feel OK mentally. But I can't, I know I can't... I have to refuse. I have to fight back. It's just so hard, I feel so weak against it.
I'll fight. I have to.
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May 19th, 2007
10:47 pm
also...
The only time I feel beautiful is when I'm running, or when I'm exhausted after a run.
+
I really want this guy to be the one... I really do. But who knows? That's the scary part. I have no control over whether he will love me for who I am...whether I will love him for who he is. God, I hope some force works for me on this one.
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07:50 pm
I miss having the weekly meetings @ the ED clinic... I don't know why. I'm not sure it made it any better. But at least it was somewhere I could admit how insane this made me feel. I can eat. I am eating... but I feel psychotic doing it. I feel like the way I eat, how much I think about eating, how much I fear eating is SO CONSUMING.
I spend a lot of my day praying that this will go away. I keep saying GET OUT OF MY HEAD. But it remains. The rest of my time is spent telling myself how fat and ugly I am. God I just wish I could spare everyone from this... When I think of all the girls who are going on the pro-ed forums, who are refusing supper, who are counting... who are where I was three years ago. I want to save them. I want to warn them how much this RUINS your life.
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May 12th, 2007
07:44 pm
When I smile it makes my face gigantic. I carry so much weight in my face... or it feels this way at least.
And the voices never stop. FATUGLYFATUGLYFATUGLYFATUGLY.
Flabby stomach, fat face, thick legs...
Now that school is done and my time is unoccupied, I can't stop thinking about it. I keep snacking. But then I weighed myself at the gym this morning and I've lost weight. I really need to stop weighing, I need to have actual meals, only, there's no one to have actual meals with. During the week, it's not so bad because it's structured. The weekends are an entirely different story.
Please, please. It feels like I'd give anything to have this go away.
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06:37 am - Lately
I've been up for a while because I can't sleep. Maybe I'll nap later. My mind has just been full of thinking lately and I can't make it stop. I keep overanalyzing things instead of just living my life. But then it has always been like this...
There a couple guys who I might go out with at some point soon.
It makes me nervous for a number of reasons:
1) My ED is always at its worst when I'm in a relationship
2) Related to the above, intimacy makes me uncomfortable. Just stroking my leg or stomach seems exploitative instead of caring... I feel disgusting and fat. I know it's meant to be comforting, but it feels like the opposite. This is extremely difficult to explain to someone.
3) I'm VERY sensitive, and I have trouble being assertive. When anything goes wrong, I feel like it's my fault...
4) I want a long term relationship. I really want something meaningful, but at the same time I'm worried about being that vulnerable to someone. I have friends who've been in 4 year relationships and have broken it off at the end... and I see how much it destroys them... I think it would be virtually impossible for me to get through.
5) I feel like I have to be perfect at all times, like I can't let my guard down. I want someone I can just relax with and be myself with, but it takes me months to get to that point with someone, and I have to know them very well.
At the same time, I want a relationship. I feel ready for one. I guess we'll see what happens with time.
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May 6th, 2007
05:56 pm
I cried when I left OP for the last time.... In that city anyway. I've gone there for the past two years and formed a really strong bond with one of the therapists. For a long time I wondered why I was crying so much, when I didn't even cry for any of the other huge changes that have taken place. I think it's because I was worried about slipping backwards again, and because I don't think anyone will be as good as that woman I saw every week.
I'm really depressed. I don't know how this is possible because the medication should numb that at least. I've had the exact same meal for breakfast lunch and dinner for the past two days. I can't stop grocery shopping, and thinking of food. I want to go back to hunger. I do. I do, because I'm so lonely I feel like I could die from it anyway...
I'm so lonely I could die.
I'm so lonely I should die.
Going to a psychiatrist on Tuesday. What if he can't fix anything? I feel powerless.
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April 23rd, 2007
11:02 pm - catch-22
I just realized:
I'm on medication, and as a result I don't feel emotions ... yet emotions are essential for a relationship
Without the drugs, I'd experience too much depression & anxiety to even meet a guy and sustain a relationship.
Fuck.
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April 22nd, 2007
01:49 am
Depression, loneliness, feeling fat, feeling worthless.
Life is unfair. People who are fortunate aren't always the ones who should be...
I'm just saying.
when is it my turn?
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April 19th, 2007
11:46 pm - Mixed feelings
I still feel so gripped by the ED voices. My doctor today said they never go away. That killed me a bit. I think I've been working towards the possibility that they would, at some point in the future, be totally gone. Maybe she's right.
My face is huge. No part of my body is small... but I'm obsessed with wanting to be tiny. When the nurse drew blood, she said I had tiny veins and I was glad. When she looked in my ear, she said I had small ear canals, I was also glad... THAT IS MESSED UP. What difference does this make? My brain is screwed.
Why won't this go away?
I also hate it when my friends talk about calories... or today, when my friend had a second serving of a snack and said "I'm bad". Do I talk back to these things, or pretend that they don't affect me and let them slide? Gah.
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April 14th, 2007
09:35 pm
I really want to be in a relationship again. A real one. A good one. It feels like it's been so long. I don't know why this is killing me so much right now. I just want something to latch on to. I want that feeling of security.
But I've only ever been in relationships when my eating disorder has been bad. I've only been loved when I've been restricting. This is especially hard. I don't want to go back there, but in some ways I do. I really do.
But I also want to be responsible. I want to feel secure with myself. This is all really confusing.
I'm leaving my whole life here soon. Really scary. I've been thinking about my soon to be lack of support system. I feel like that might be totally freeing or totally detrimental.
I can't even look people in the eyes for extended periods of time. I feel so awkward.
ARGH. Things better get better.
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March 30th, 2007
07:46 pm
I will not throw up tonight. I will not eat tonight. I will not throw up tonight.
Although my writing skills are adept, I'm pretty drunk... I won't lie.
But I won't throw up tonight.
the end.
p.s. I'm really stressed about life and graduation and I love my friends. I have been blessed with really wonderful friends.
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March 4th, 2007
08:41 pm - rant
So much is not in my hands right now. Waiting to hear back from schools, waiting to hear about a place to rent, waiting just waiting foreverrrr. It's so frustrating.
I ate too much today. I hate the fact that my life still revolves around food. I DON'T understand. I just want it to go away. It feels like I've tried so hard and it's still there. I still look at the grocery flyers online the DAY they come out. It's like some messed up ritual. I still like to count calories and how much water I drink.
I feel just really bloated. My schedule has been really insane lately, and my food routine has subsequently been thrown off. This MUST change soon.
And when am I going to find out about everything else? I would like to plan my life. I need to know these decisions... .and it's taking too long.
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February 25th, 2007
04:40 pm
So now my other roomate is here and argh. I just feel like she's being really selfish right now. FUCK. This is now when I feel like the first one got nicer. I'm just really cranky and moody.... which is weird because I felt uber manic this morning. argh...
I hope this isnt a side effect of the BCP.
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