I often wonder what people would make of me if they saw my room. If they saw all the little things that make me who I am. I often wonder what people on the street think of me.
I'm feeling very unstable. Emotionally, mentally, nutritionally. "What hurts? Is it your head?" Sure. That works. I am often quiet but inside my brain just screams at me. You're FAT AND UGLY. YOU'RE WORTHLESS. I can't just sit and be still and quiet. I don't know what has precipitated this recently. What could it be?
Yesterday I binged and purged. Mostly liquids. Looking back I don't know what I was thinking. It wasn't the first time I've purged, but I was doing OK for quite a while.
I got the stomach flu, and while it was horrendous, it reminded me how clean an empty stomach felt. I had detoxed, no caffeine, no sugar, not much food. Glorious. I was happy. It ACTUALLY made me happy. Then one by one the vices came back. A coffee here, one teaspoon of peanut butter there. And chocolate too. Everything got messed up.
My problem is that I take on whatever issues everyone else has. I take ownership not only other people's problems, but what they think of me. I think I've reached that point where I've given so much of myself to everyone else that I can't give anymore. Something needs to break. And that thing is me.
After my purging episode, I got on the subway and wondered... if people knew, what would they think? What would they do? Were there others on the subway like me? Were there other girls whose heads would scream at them violently?
So much of this is feeling alone in my thoughts, in my actions. I am so tempted to stay home tonight. I wish I could ignore the world and hide away in a quiet, dark place. I don't want to face the judging. I don't want to face myself either.
I wish I had another therapy session right now. Today. Sigh.
I am so fucked up. I hate chaos, but there's this messed up part of me that likes chaos. The panic is this known arena... The comfort in what I know.
I have become so fat. I am 10 pounds away from my highest weight. I had therapy an hour after I found this out and was crying my eyes out. It's probably this stupid BCP. I wish I had as much self control as when I was 20.
FUCK. I just want to be bones. I don't want to exist... when people tell me I should be model I am just so angry because I know I'd have to lose a minimum of 30 pounds to even be close to that body type. I hate being fat... I just want to be skin and bones.
Had I known that the pain would never go away, what would I have done?
I'm so unhappy. I've only had two drinks in the past month, but tonight while coming home I was so tempted to pick up a bottle of wine. I really had to force myself not to. Nothing is taking this sadness away. I go to therapy, I try to eat adequately, I exercise... I'm even on anti-depressants and I'm still miserable.
Sometimes I think I am completely legitimate with these feelings. Other times I feel selfish and ungrateful. I just don't feel like my life is my own. It feels like I'm living for everyone else. I've had suicidal thoughts. I remember reading about this 20 something year old, who was doing really well in school, had a great girlfriend, essentially had the perfect life... and he committed suicide. I think I was 12 when I read about it, and it didn't make sense to me... but it sort of does now. Not that I would do it, but I'm just feeling so messed up right now... really lost. I wish I could put everything on pause for a little while.
My brain is all over the map. I was so disassociative in my session today. I was just not feeling like myself... just really void and useless and numb. I feel fat. So fat. I'm eating so much. The drinking has been significantly minimized but I'm just as badly off it seems.
I have no reason to be complaining. I told this to my therapist, and I can recognize it, but I'm just really unhappy. I don't know where I stand in school, which is really tough for me. Not only do I want grades, but I want amazing grades. I want to be a perfect girlfriend, a perfect friend, a perfect person all around.
Again, it feels like the only way I had access to this was through restriction. It's just frustrating. I saw a few pictures of Isabelle, that girl whose picture is sprawled in an anti-ED campaign and I felt fat, ugly, worthless, contaminated.
I wish I could get away from all of my problems. I just want to hide away in a dark room for a week and be left on my own. I'm not enjoying social interaction at all lately... It makes me really uncomfortable. I'm obsessed with wanting to know what people are thinking of me... and not knowing has really been frustrating. Getting away from it all would really be helpful... just sort of impossible.
I've become an alcoholic.
Isn't the first step to admit to it? I just don't know. Why do I always have to cling to self-destructive behavior? I'm so sorry world. You have unreasonable expectations and I just can't live up to them. Right now I'd like to drink myself into oblivion and sleep for 12 hours. Is this alright? Not for me. It would seem that way for those around me.
It's bizarre that I got into drinking because of my need to please. Because of my need to be happy and peaceful, so I can be what everyone else wants me to be for them. I'm desperate to run away. I told my therapist that and I'm not sure how he reacted. Sometimes I think I disassociate in my sessions. I'm so scared.
I told my sister that I've been drinking heavily. I needed to admit it to someone safe, and she is the safest person I have. I'm sorry. I probably burdened her in the worst way. She called me yesterday. "And the drinking?" "It's better after I hit rock bottom the other day"... such a lie. I am filled with lies. I'm so sorry.
Would it be wrong of me to run away? I just want to call in sick from work for two days and do my own thing. Hop on a bus and get away from here. I love the people around me so much that I'll rot to make them happy. I'll suffer and hurt myself to make them proud of me... so I can be happy for them.
Escapism. I wish I was still anorexic. It's less dangerous that way. Alcohol has been brutal, but it's something at least.
I've gained weight and I can't stand it. I almost bought a digital scale and I'm seriously thinking of getting one again. I'm just not able to handle how much I weigh right now. At this point, I feel like I don't even care how much I screw up my metabolism... I just want to be thin again.
I feel so insane right now. I went to the gym the other day and I weighed myself only to realize I lost weight... I SERIOUSLY felt like I had split personality. I started crying - initially because a part of me was scared at going back into the eating disorder, and I didn't want to go there... but the other part of me was crying because my body still looked so fat in the mirror, and I wanted to lose another 10 pounds.
Why does this ED still have my brain as a hostage, I don't understand!!!
I'm so tired, I'm definitely sleep deprived, and I really like this guy but I'm scared... of everything... getting hurt, using a relationship as an excuse to fall back into the ED and so on and so forth.
I know I need more counselling for my eating habits, I just have to call... I really have to call them tomorrow.
Fuck I hate this city.
It's 5 am and I can't go back to sleep. Why does this follow me everywhere I go? I want this part of my brain surgically removed.
I went out on a date and my head is spinning. I'm feeling anxious and inadequate. I want to restrict today. I've been doing well (physically) and I just want to go down that path to feel OK mentally. But I can't, I know I can't... I have to refuse. I have to fight back. It's just so hard, I feel so weak against it.
I'll fight. I have to.
The only time I feel beautiful is when I'm running, or when I'm exhausted after a run.
I really want this guy to be the one... I really do. But who knows? That's the scary part. I have no control over whether he will love me for who I am...whether I will love him for who he is. God, I hope some force works for me on this one.
I miss having the weekly meetings @ the ED clinic... I don't know why. I'm not sure it made it any better. But at least it was somewhere I could admit how insane this made me feel. I can eat. I am eating... but I feel psychotic doing it. I feel like the way I eat, how much I think about eating, how much I fear eating is SO CONSUMING.
I spend a lot of my day praying that this will go away. I keep saying GET OUT OF MY HEAD. But it remains. The rest of my time is spent telling myself how fat and ugly I am. God I just wish I could spare everyone from this... When I think of all the girls who are going on the pro-ed forums, who are refusing supper, who are counting... who are where I was three years ago. I want to save them. I want to warn them how much this RUINS your life.